Ryan's Currently Unnamed Blog

If i had to sum up my current state in one word... "Broken" pretty much does it. In just about every way that a person can be broken... I think I am.

Not to be totally emo about it, but my spirit has been crushed, my body demolished, and my will to persevere and struggle along just to find some way through this mess has been snuffed out, perhaps for good.

I know that things always seem bleak at their worst, and that the thing that turns it around is always unexpected.. but yeah.. that's about where I am.

I don't really care about anything. I've been working 80 hours (salaried, so no overtime, no bonus, no nothing, other then a pat on the back and a handshake) a week for the last month or so, single handedly pushing a huge project that's worth millions to my company.

Somehow finding time to get away for something that I felt was more important then anything else in the world. Probably spent another 40 hours a week looking through websites and making phone calls to ensure that things went as smoothly as possible. My cell phone plan has 700 minutes.. that's like 11 1/2 hours... i've never used more then half that.. I still have a week left on this month and i'm up at 1764 minutes. Most of that time spent on hold, only to find that after waiting for an hour, they can't help me for what I need to do. 40 cents per extra minute.. i'm well over $400 in extra time charges... gonna have to call them to see if i can change plans before the bill gets generated... but again.. i really don't care.

There's tons more too.. but I don't want to go into details... there's four different companies/people that i need to call and argue with to get anywhere from $200 to $500 back from them, but again, don't really feel like sitting on the phone trying to get a hold of someone and then jump through hoops to get them to refund me cash that was paid for services they couldn't provide. Can't do it at work because I can't have people overhearing me, don't want to pay 40 cents a minute on the cell phone, and don't really have the time to go home during the day to make the phone calls.

All along, I was thinking that things will get better once these two HUGE things are done. This Perfect Storm of projects has swallowed me whole and now that they are mostly done and I'm just wrapping up the little loose ends, there's this empty feeling. I'm sure work will find something for me to work on.. but yeah.. that's gonna make me happy. Other then that, I have next to nothing going on.

So, not only is there the emotional, spirtual, and physical exhaustion from all of this... This frail human body of mine can't take the abuse. I was worn down to begin with and then after pushing harder then i should have this weekend, trying to be superhuman to get as much done as possible in a short period of time, that took its toll on me as well. A few bouts with heat exhaustion (I really don't do well exerting myself hard for long periods of time in even moderately warm temperatures, but really didn't have much of a choice), stress related digestive issues, a fractured ulna (forearm bone) that I'm hoping won't need a cast, and an acute rotator cuff tear (2 of the four muscles in my shoulder are torn, one slightly, one about halfway) that I have to go back for another MRI to see if its healing or not. Hope to whatever higher power that it IS healing itself, but if it isn't that's going to require surgery (and cost me about $4K that I just don't have available at the moment, having spent just about every penny I have that's not locked up in a long term investment vehicle... yet another way I'm broke... have tons of assets but no cash).

I guess I should be happy and that its both in my right arm, and the fracture isn't in the wrist, so i can still type enough to work. I have to use the mouse with my left hand since I have my right arm immobolized, upper arm held down to my side... forearm across my stomach. So I can type if I turn my whole body to the right, since my right hand is at my left side. But that gets tiring so by the time I get done at work, all I've done is lay in bed or on the couch watching tv or trying to play my PS2 (still have at least 3 games still in their shrink wrap lol)

Don't feel as if ANYTHING is improving, and as of now, the only thing I have to numb the pain is Ibuprofen, since the doctor didn't want to perscribe anything that I might get addicted to. But even Vicodin would only ease the physical pain and there's far more then just that. Thankfully, I have somethings to help me sleep, and for the first time in a LONG time, I got more then 8 hours of sleep last night. Without that I'm sure i couldn't sleep for more then a few hours at a time.

Well, that's enough bitching from me... normally don't go into THIS much detail, but i just can't relay all of this to the people who have been asking where I've been and what I've been up to.. so there you have it.

I'd ask for people to keep me in their thoughts, but I honestly think I'm beyond repair... at the very least, there's no quick fix... And (again, at the risk of being totally emo), I'm not sure I'm even worth expending any of that effort to try to save me. I can only put up the fake happy front for so long... and its going on two months now... maybe even longer. And its funny when I get comments about how patient I am in dealing with people and have such a positive attitude... if they only knew the truth...