Ryan's Currently Unnamed Blog

Every now and then... you hear a song that suddenly takes on new meaning... I've owned the latest NIN CD With Teeth (Hover over that link for a nifty new amazon popup, not sure how much i like it.. i generally get annoyed by such things... lemme know what you think). There's lots of tracks on there.. but I've never really thought much about "Getting Smaller"... good song, but not a standout... kinda felt more like filler then anything else.

However, yesterday.. while driving home in the FREEZING cold weather.. I this song came on.. and suddenly the lyrics had all new applications...

Anyway.. here's the lyrics and if you want to hear it.. here ya go.

Getting a little erratic here (Erratic perfectly describes has little consistency there is in my day to day life over the last month or two.)
And I don't know who to trust (Too many betrayals to mention... friends, family, work)
I guess they got a way of reading my mind (Work monitoring computer usage... governments monitoring phone calls)
I guess I gotta adjust (So much has changed... I have been forced into some adjustments, others i know i should make but haven't yet)
Got my arms they flip flop flip flop flip
Got my head on a spring (Ha.. love that idiom... but yeah.. definatley been watching my back lately.. very aware of the forces at work around me. Some call it paranoia.. i call it self preservation.)
Well I thought I got you on my side (again.. betrayals)
I haven't got fucking anything (seems like sooo much is missing)

I'm just a face in the crowd (Just a nobody.. nothing to distinguish me from anyone else)
Nothing to worry about
Not even tryin' to stand out (I've accepted this.. and given up trying to be special in some way)
I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller (outside of my office (and that's only because nobody else can do what I do)... my importance to the outside world is diminishing every day)
And I have nothing to say (well, this line doesn't really fit.. i always have plenty to say.. but i'm losing the will to try to assert that or to have people understand me)
It's all been taken away (I've really feel like I've lost huge chunks of my life... important parts too.)
I just behave and obey (I've given up on so much... I just go along with the flow.. doing what people want me to do)
I'm afraid I am starting to fade away (and in the process... I'm losing who I am)

Uh-huh

I cannot see through the cracks
When I'm pressed up on the wall
I'm not looking to stand up real high (I don't expect to return to my former self)
I'd be happy to crawl (i'd be happy with just a tiny bit of progress though)
I think I'm losing my grip (there have definatley been moments that were difficult to deal with)
But I can still make a fist
You know I still got my one good arm (hey! my right arm may be fucked, but i DO still have one good arm!)
That I can beat...
nnn, I can beat myself up with! (i've tried.. doesn't work)

I'm just a face in the crowd
Nothing to worry about
Not even tryin' to stand out
I'm getting smaller
And smaller and smaller
And I have nothing to say
Its all been taken away
I just behave and obey
I'm afraid I am starting to fade away

And for what it is worth (This sentiment of this verse applies to SOOO many things.. i can't even begin to list them here)
I really used to believe
That maybe there's some great thing
That we could achieve
And now I cant tell the difference
Don't know what to feel
Between what I've been trying so hard to see
And what appears to be real

Fading away (indeed)
Fading away
Fading away
Fading away

My world is getting smaller everyday-yay-yay-yay-yay (indeed... it really is, and i'm surprisingly ok with it)
My world is getting smaller everyday-yay-yay-yay-yay
(and thats ok)

My world is getting smaller everyday-yay-yay-yay-yay
My world is getting smaller everyday-yay-yay-yay-yay
(and thats ok)

OK.. enough of my bitching.. just one of those things that line up so nicely with what's going on, and when i first heard the song I couldn't relate to much of it at all. Funny how things change.. well.. that's all.. for now...